It's been almost a week since I've felt articulate enough to write on my blog. I've been absolutely blessed this week with a great week. I feel so much better and more on top of things. Especially the things I need to handle. I have a student coming in a few minutes but I could not let this moment of quiet past without publishing how incredibly blessed I am.
Last week and the week before were so hard. It was nice just to chill and be together. The snow is falling pretty steadily today. My wish fulfilled. Still longing for a blizzard of 'city closing' proportion.
There is something powerful about the sun. I love sunny days. I love the blue sky, the warmth of the sun and white fluffy clouds. Bright rooms filled with natural sunlight make me happy.
Unless, I'm sad then bright rooms make me just feel angry. I have high windows and on bright days the whole house just sings of happiness. It's absolutely frustrating to be in these rooms when you feel sad. I want to paint the windows black and pull the blinds down.
Colorado does not have wide varying weather. Believe it or not it can stay sunny for days on end. Rarely does it stay cloudy for long and I like that- usually. This week the weather calendar shows clouds and snow all week. Right now as I look out my window I see only blue sky with a few clouds. I've been hoping for a cloudy miserable day to fit my mood and have yet to find it. I've thought of changing my mood to match the sunny weather. You know look at the bright side of things and be happy for the sunny weather. Just my luck though I'll change my mood to match the sunny weather and then it will be cloudy and I'll have to change it back again.
Wow! That was an emotionally exhausting trip. After the major vertigo and panic attack on Tuesday something chemically went wrong. I couldn't stop crying. Very hard place to be since I had to judge 4 rounds of speeches. Thankfully I didn't do any dramatic interps because I think they would have had to peel me off the ground.
Trying not to do too much today and just chill out. Jackson will not leave my side. He is such a momma's boy. I'll take it for now but he better be over it by Kindergarten. It will break my heart to have to take him day after day. He's missing school today so that he can "be with me". I told him one day he can miss but he has to go back on Wednesday.
Lauren is behind in school and trying to catch up. She's been so very stressed and absolutely overwhelmed. She'll need a break here very soon.
So glad I made it through the past weekend. I have a light week ahead and then and easy weekend. Plan on doing as much of nothing as I can.
I have vertigo. It lasts for mere seconds usually and I actually thought I was cured of it after my hysterectomy. However, I'm not. It's back with a vengeance. Last night it started at 7:00 and came in waves for two solid hours. It took my hours to recuperate. Of course, when you spin out of control like that it makes you nauseated. I will not go into details but let's just say it wasn't fun. Because it's so frightening I ended up having a panic attack of major proportions. My heart beat so hard in my chest I could feel it. That made the panic worse and I started hyperventilating.
All in all it was not fun. To make matters worse, I have to drive to Denver today for 3 days. Feeling very stressed about that and feeling very stressed in general. Pattern developing. Trying to remain calm and collected. My last post I said I needed a band-aid.... I think I might need plaster.
It's easy to do these days. I do not like a hectic schedule but sometimes it can not be helped. Things do not slow down for me until February 14th and then they seem to ease up for awhile but until then it's chaos. Today I would like nothing more than to stay in bed all day. Cuddled up under the blankets. Wishing for more snow, reading a book and determined to feel like I'm on vacation. However, Jackson needs to be picked up from school in about 45 minutes and then I have 2 students. By 6:00 tonight I'll be done and ready for bed- yes, it was that kind of weekend. Tomorrow is really not any better. Co-op in the morning until 12:00, rush home for a quick lunch, 2 students, and pack for Denver. Wednesday through Friday Lauren and I will be in Denver at a speech conference. Very excited to spend time with my girl but it makes for very, very long days.
Saturday is a long awaited and needed shopping trip day for the girls. Should be a fun mom and girl day. Hoping to find lots of bargains to fill up their closets and their drawers.
I've come undone and I need a bandaid until I can put myself back together. Thank the Lord for busy schedules. It means my kids are still home. It means that for the time being I have little ones that need me. We will be empty nesters soon enough. For now, I'll find some band-aids and wait for a respite to come.
Emily came home from church last week with a flyer about a conference in Denver for girls. Our church girls group is going and she really wanted to go. It's overnight. It's overnight and an hour away. I can hardly breathe for the thought of her going. I tell myself that no matter what I can not prevent her from having a seizure. I can only make sure the people with her will know what to do if she has one. My heart aches and rips and the thought of her being out of my sight for so long. A slumber party in town is one thing but a slumber party in another town is quite another story.
I fear not only that she'll have a seizure but that I can't protect her from other people if she does. People, especially tween girls, can be so mean. I don't want her to have to go through that. Yes. I want to put her in my pocket and carry her around the rest of her life. It would be much easier on me.
Emily is growing up. Epilepsy is not going away. She's going to be an adult with Epilepsy. If I could make it not be true I would make it not be true. Who will remind her to take her medicine?
The whole cell-phone question is now a reality. We are getting a cell phone for the girls to use. She must be able to get a hold of me if she needs to get a hold of me. No questions asked.
My Emily is growing up. I have to deal with that. She does.
A mom to 3 great kids. A wife to an amazing man. A girl on a journey to be who she was designed and called to be.
I hate that my blog doesn't have a front porch so if you stop by leave a message for me. I'll give you a glass of some virtual sweet tea :)!